Companionship

As one age over the years, situation changes and perception may have a new direction with accumulated experiences thus far. What may be just a simple crush of yester years may evolved into a full fledged relationship or a sad yearning. What remains of the stubbornness during the teenage years may lead to achievements of today or regrets of yesterday. But the evolution of one heart and mind, is a truly unusual one.

The darling of present may suddenly be the cause of anguish of the future, or the frustration of today may be nothing tomorrow. In the end, all is left is just oneself, we probably came into the world alone, and will probably leave it alone. But loneiness is not unique to birth and death, because those who have never been friends with loneiness, never truly knew companionship. But companionship can be a tricky friend, it can deceive oneself from truly knowing his/her innerself, because companionship is like a chameleon, it changes with the environment. The environment can be misleading, because without showing itself, one cannot understand the extend of the companionship. Because we are all actors on the stage, no one truly is able to see their own performance, but only able to judge their performance based on interactions. Living own life in the eyes of others suck, trying to catch up with others suck, trying to outshine others suck, trying to impress others suck, seeing others trying to impress suck. Eventually, the thing that suck the most is the continuous pursuit of a bottomless pit, and me being entangled in the middle of the bottomless pit, thinking that eventually i can actually rise to the top, instead of hitting rock bottom.

Suddenly out of no where....

Today is another day of boredom and sianness, and while talking about the topic of job recruitment, i went to google a bit about my ideal scope of job, which is in the area of renewable energy. Why i decided to choose this area? The reason is kind of because i wanted to work in an area that enables me to work overseas, because most renewable energy companies tend to be in Western countries. Obviously the starting step would be the asia headquarters of these companies, which are based in Singapore. But then, after looking at some of the bigger companies job vacancies, i don't really have an ideal what i want to do. Worse of all, after thinking a bit further, i seriously don't see myself doing anything after i graduate from university.

Well, when i said i don't see myself doing anything after i graduate does not mean that i would just sit around and do nothing. I see nothing of myself in the future, not even continue to play my MMOrpgs, being around with my friends nor even doing something i like. It really feels like nothing exist in the future, like i will not be around to even bother to think so much about the future. Likely might be due to i have not live my life outside things that i had to do because it was obligation. Like how i have to go through the education system years after years after years, and when army came it was just something i had to "serve". Feels like for my past 24 years, everything i have done is just follow through, and whatever else i do for my suppose "hobbies" are just something extra. Going into the corporate world seems so near but feels so far.